what is at stake

I'm in one of those moods tonight. Perhaps it has a little to do with my smacking my head into a car, pulling an unexpected u-turn, at 30 miles an hour - I think the whole event (that happened last tue) has me thinking about... just stuff.

Maybe it has nothing to do with my accident, I do tent to go through this thought-process every few months. I really get caught up in what's at stake if I fail. Not in a panicky kind of way, but in a: stay focused - make progress - work towards "something" kind of way.

I guess I just find it important to remind myself that I've put the last 5 years of my stupid little life into this one film... and if I mess it up, if I slack off or become slow and distracted, that it will set a precedent in my life. That the stories I want to tell after Pedal, won't ever be if I do not see this through successfully.

And it's a good feeling - I just walked two miles back home after dropping off the rental car, and it was a nice night, it was quiet out, there was a cool breeze - and I just felt calm... but highly motivated.


I used to run Cross Country in high school for Onsted - my Coach, Mr. Hunt, taught me a lot about patience and pushing myself, but the moments I miss the most, from those four years of XC, are the several seconds at the line: I remember so clearly the tingling in my lungs from the warm-up run before the race, the focus I had, the quite as hundreds of people held their breath for the gun.

It was peaceful... even though you knew you were seconds away from running as fast as you could for 3+ miles. Imagining the blood-taste in your lungs, the heavy-oxygen-deprived acid in your legs, the pins and needles in your arms, the instinct to slow down... to ease the hurt... all of that seemed like perfect meditation. I guess I feel that way tonight, like I'm on the line. I have work to do.